Cunning plan to cut Ambulance call outs

Men of a certain age such as I , yes  alright old fart,  when thinking of that fine  sussex town of Brighton and Hove albion , automatically think  of  mods and rockers , deckchairs at dawn  scrapping up and down the beach  and  get misty eyed  over Leslie Ash getting a damn good seeing to down an alley by the bloke that wasnt in Blur.  Or maybe Ted MacDougall  banging them in   for… oh that was  bournemouth …. same thing innit.

Fast forward  40 years and  its bonkers , vegans  attacking old ladies in sainsburys  looking at the turkeys  and voting green  and rainbows.
First I must  declare I have nothing against trannies , back in the summer of love  i often took one to  bed with me, yes I know I was only 11  but it was the only place  radio luxembourg  would have any signal.
I know theres a very wide band of normal  from Jacob Rees Mogg  a direct descendant of Charles Hawtrey  and Oliver Cromwells  less tolerant sister  all the way through to  that beardy weirdy Israeli  that won eurovision …. I blame ABBA  , you have to  outweird  them to win.   Some of my best friends  are weird , I dont really care if they  like to wear  ladies  ball gowns to the football on a  cold saturday  afternoon  at the Falmer american express community stadium .  rolls off the tongue that eh …. more of  rolling off the tongue later but I digress, what they do in the privacy of their own  own 30,666 seater stadium is their own business.

They’ve gone too far now , I know I’m not one to complain ,  but seriously , Brighton council  have agreed to teach  8 year old boys  that they can have periods too.  not  double maths , we all had them periods , even when i was at school . Proper  bleed for a week and dont die lady periods , full on defying science ( double biology) blobbing
A council spokesperson , see i can do gender neutral , Cllr Stephanie foulks- fellows   MBE , known to hs ,( thats  gender neutral for  his or hers …. or it will be when they nick my idea), mates as Dave the Brickie from Hove , says  its important for boys to know  that menstruation  is normal  and that  boys can have them if they want …. possibly Dave , but only if your a  seahorse  with butter fingers  dropping your eggs all over a coral reef … Coral Reef  coincidentally is another Brighton councillor . Dave also  said periods are something to be celebrated .

My view is  I would rather 8 year old boys   were taught Dick Emery was  a bow legged  drag queen  and not an instruction to take your mums nail file to your todger , because tht is one of only a couple of ways Ive ever made my …. errrr Ive heard you can  make your japs eye bleed  that much .
Never mind put your hand up at the back of the class and saying, ” please miss   Gordon can I visit the  little  non binaries  room for a twats hammock  I appear to be having a perfectly normal   monthly   uterus  clear out “.   just shout , “Call me a fookin ambulance I think i’ve split me banjo”.

And why is it just Brighton ? we are just as much a diverse and cosmopolitan town up here in Grimsby, christ we’ve got Harry in the heart foundation shop in his twin set pearls and ginger nylon wig ( why are they always ginger?) apart from the welders hands   and 5 o’clock shadow,  he could pass for a bird …. he could pass for Theresa May as it is.   We’ve got Kevin  from  Strictly , lovely  bloke.   By Brighton standards  a right aaard baaastard , as the say down there on the saaarf coast.

To be fair to the  actual trannies, even they think its a bit of a daft idea  and blame the Vegans , though why , I don’t know , even with freedom of movement its unlikely  anyone from that constellation is claiming benefits in Brighton.

The only period Ive ever celebrated was when Janice  Bottomley  said she’d missed two of em , then came on  like an explosion in an abattoir.  Never have I been more pleased to see a new pope elected from  the house girls toilets chimbley.

What ever happened to damn good seeing tos?

Bald as a footballers chest?

What the actual fook is going  on  in the world.   Just seen an advert for  nivea.  For those of you who don’t know  Nivea (an acronym  for Nancies in various eccentric adverts) is a company that  add  water to lard and call it  a beauty  product…. But  now it appears we have  beauty products for men..  don’t get me wrong I appeciate  that grooming products  are not Haribo and  puppies ,  I’m not a philistine like me dad  who reckoned deodorant  was a bit limp wristed .  Christ  he nearly died of a seizure  when Phil  Parkes  advertised  Cossacks  hair spray and Henry Cooper splashing Brut ( original not the  poncy  stuff) all over Kevin Keegan.

I  think  men have a right , nay a duty,  to make themselves look attractive  for their  girlfriend  or wife ,  bollocks were in the 21st century , their boyfriends too if they’e that  way inclined.  It’not for me tojudge but sod it, I  will anyway.

New from Nivea men. Live from anfield  The UKs  first  body shaving range …..What the hell  is going on?   Men ..in fact  footballers…  shaving  their chests in glorious  Technicolor …. not furtively in private , in a communal  shower  but with   their mates watching .  It’s like they’ d admit to shagging  a  fat bird , riding a puch maxi moped or being excited about ABBA reforming.

Abba. Those pretend Swedes. I’ve done some digging and found whilst it’s  true they  made the name from their initials  , it stands for  Agnes  Betty   Barry  and Arthur. The postlethwaites   and  Higginbottams from Mablethorpe.

But I digress.  This shower scene  scared me more than Tippy Hedren in Psycho  or  cissy spacek in Carrie…. the main reason  being , Nivea’s total disregard for  reality.  They had dozens of  Spaniards argies  and nancy boy Italians to use,  and they  have James fookin Milner.  Looking like a cross between a pit pony and Les Dawson’s ball bag, and Adam Lallana . The man with the shittiest  beard on the planet  and they want him to shave his chest.

The only thing worse than grown  men  falling for  this metrosexual  claptrap is grown women  thinking  absorbent pants  to soak  up their incontinent dribble  actually  look  pretty.  Imagine a  night  out  on the Bailey’s  followed  by  a  gold blend invite  leading  to the moment  where  she takes you by the hand  leads you into the boudoir…..  freshly done up  in  60 minutes  by that flappy  bald  bent twat of an  interior designer, you know, the one with   the  hoarse  blonde bird with the whistle  who doesn’ t look to bad till  you see she has legs  like  Adam Lallana …… but anyway , she slips her dress  off steps out  of it and  says do you like my pretty pants?  Yes love i particulary admire  the nice yellow map  of Tasmania  on the front but blimey it stinks of piss.

Jezza making me posh since 2005

Destiny  says since  she doesn’t have Chlamydia  any more …. or was that Chlamydia  has been sleeping with Destiny’s  transgender lover?  There’s  a bloke on there today, who is obviously well to do , because 90%  of  his tattoos are spelt right  and he hasn’t touched smack , since he got up this morning… well not since he cleaned his tooth anyway.

Why do I watch it?, you may well ask.  It’s because it gives me a false sense of superiority.
I grew up in the  poorest area of one of the poorest  towns in England,  8 of us in a two up two down  terrace with no  bathroom or hot water and a  bog at the bottom the yard.  I haven’t lost that mentality ,  yet they’ve invented  at least 3 classes  to go  below us , purely  for my entertainment on rainy   mornings like today.  ( yes love I’m doing the ironing)  Christ being retired is hard work.
I know its aimed at me , cos of the adverts…. no not the bleedin bingo! M and S steaks  with a  cheeky little semillon . I swear only us posh people watch it … and old ladies  for the bingo obvs.
That brings me to  part two. There’s a kid called Behind A Skip , his mother  Kylie 15,  from the  nunny , followed the Beckham tradition  of naming her first 4  kids  from the place of conception,  Kylie says she once applied to be on BBC radio’s “young brass of the year”, what a misunderstanding that was.

Anyway Skippy, as he’s known for short,  is unsure of his parentage.  Kylie was on a “break”  from her relationship with Darren  who thinks he is Skippy’s dad.  It Turns out the break was a weekend in mablethorpe with Darren’s Dad, who has got 2 wives in the same street Darren is currently almost  sliding out of the chair with his right hand down the front of his Kappa tracksuit. I think hes been shopping at M and S too.. looks like a cheeky little semi on from here. God knows while Kylie is risking such a catch ,  Darren’s dad is on now,  denying  he knew it was Kylie cos it was dark  down that alley, and anyway  he couldn’t perform  because  of the smack he’d just had….. from Kylie’s dad , who said it was his turn.
The lie detector has proved they were all lying… turns out  they have’nt got disabilities and the  benefits  are being stopped.

 

I’ve Overdosed now, best get discovery channel on and learn about the  artefacts of ancient egyptian pyrami…….

 

oooh hang on  there’s a rasta on now wanting to know if hes Duraglit’s dad…..

The lunatics have taken over the asylum

So  there is this  absolute nut case running a country, with absolutely no  qualifications in  the job , with a really strange haircut considering hes the richest bloke in the country  and can get the best barber  living there. Hes  always been a bit of a laughing stock , only got to where he is because  of his dads  position.  but now hes got himself a nuclear  Arsenal  and the shits about to hit the  Fan.
Enough about Donald though , Kim Jong Un is getting uppity too in North Korea.  Hes got a missile that can hit New York , and that is very scary because as Frank sinatra said , If it can make it there, It can make it anywhere.  I wouldnt ordinarily be bothered , but  New york is only 29  miles from my house,  just at the end of the runway at RAF Coningsby . I suppose we should be glad , if it cant quite hit the runway, the Typhoons  can at least take off, and the Battle of Britain memorial flight . Who knows the  Typhoons might be the next BBMF if it all kicks off.

Anyway back to the nutters and the cock comparing contest, I suggest  we get them both into  a ring and slug it out winner takes all  a la Reagan  and Chernenko  in the 1980s. you may remember it  immortalised in the frankie goes to hollywood video. That fight was won by Ronnie  another nutcase  president of the good ol US of A, after biting the ruskies ear, he  admitted defeat , we won the cold war and knocked the berlin wall down leading to the reunification of East and West Germany and a glut of shit papier mache invalid cars on the market.

Can history repeat itself Don arm wrestling Kim ( thats a birds name  if ever I heard one) and winning the  tepid war . and North and South Korea  reunited  in a video by Peaches and Herb and hundreds of Hyundai  rip offs with clockwork engines.
I’m wondering why  Kims dad who was also called Kim  called his son Kim? maybe because his dad , Kims granddad was called Kim too.  No wonder they were fookin angry , imaging  getting 3 generations of heads down the bog at school?  My mate was called Julian, that was tantamount to admitting  to being Gay …. or a raving bender as it was known in the seventies.  Johnny Cash actually shot his dad for calling him Sue, and it turns out  he wasnt even called Sue his name was quite obviously Johnny Cash , and anyway not even girls are called Sue , my missus is called Sue and her names Susan.

I wonder if Kim is really angry about his  haircut  or hes eaten a dodgy  dog?  I understand they’ve got a new convenience  food now  called Not Poodle.

I bet your all thinking what is this  pillock go on about , its just mindless drivel……. I beg to differ , when you listen to the  bollocks coming from Washington and PyongYang.

On the bright side , Ive got a microwave for sale…….. no longer needed.

Cisphobic : a new word possibly meaning scared of cissies.

No it doesn’t.  I havent heard the term cissy  for yonks ,,, or the term yonks  for yonks either . Cis phobia  is the fear or hatred  a transsexual  person  who may or may not be non fookin binary ,  has for cisgender people, wait a minute I’ll get to that.. , because he\she\ non fookin binary gender*  ( delete as applicable) believes they are  only cisgender to piss them off.

What is cisgender?  you may ask , well I must  make a declaration of interest here. I am actually cisgender myself.   Cisgender is , according to wikipedia ………Cisgender (often abbreviated to simply cis) is a term for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. Cisgender may also be defined as those who have “a gender identity or perform a gender role society considers appropriate for one’s sex”.

So what  used to be termed  Heterosexual… or as I like to colloquially term   bleedin normal. Yes theres a wide band of normal.  but this basic tenet of biology is pretty fookin irrefutable to my mind.
I was  apparently assigned as a male at birth , I have a gut feeling its because the midwife , had a good gander at my nether regions and said Its a boy Mrs boon ,  Maybe my mum should have not been so trusting in the medical profession  they have  made mistakes in the past, but my old dad  who has never been wrong in his life , he thought he was once,  but it turned out he was right in the end,  anyway Dad had a peep and  said yep thats definitely  a little todger on the cis…. err boy.
Two twatgender people  on the telly  this morning  named Fox and Owl , I thought they were twat names but it turns out fox,  who has a nice beard  was assigned the female gender at  birth , (lack of todger  being the  giveaway to the thicko doctors who obviously didnt have a clue) and doesnt want to be a bloke , even though she \ he \ ? went to the trouble of having  a cock fashioned out of a  dogs lipstick stitched on , i think that’s how they do it , i never asked me dad.  Fox was his drag queen name   before he became a  non binary person with a cock. so to clarify.  a woman that wants to be a man dressed as a woman in a drag queen act. and now shes  a man she doesnt dress as a drag queen. so far so good.
Now Owl who was  assigned a  male  ( todger remember?)  wanted to be a girl so had the todger off and a mouse’s ear  attached , I have known some ladies with elephants ears and even wizards sleeves , but that’s for another day . Owl is a shortened form of his\her\? real name…. oogla … honest i never made that up , anyway Owl is now  not happy being a female , ungrateful fooker , I could have used that  mouses ear  when the Mrs was out. So  he\she is now non binary as well .
They tried to teach me binary in  school , waste of time  I only ever learned the  tune to the times tables , never picked up the lyrics , but  anyway binary meant  loads of 1s and 0s , which I now assume was   1 represented a todger and  0  the todger receptacle.
It  now transpires  Schools in England have given  kids the right to be  non binary  and in one class  in one school 8 kids have turned up  in dresses. I thought whats up with that? In my school we had 40 to a class and at least 20 of them turned up  in dresses.  .. me and 19 girls.  bloody older sisters and hand me downs I ask you.  The head asked my mam to stop dressing  me like that when mini skirts came into fashion  just as I hit puberty.
Piers Morgan who is undoubtedly a non gender specific twat of the highest order, ie  no man or woman is a bigger twat  Asked if it would be OK  to  if he assigned himself as a black woman, they said that was ridiculous.   I agreed with them on that point and agreed with Morgan that there was no difference.
I have never in my  life heard anything as fucking mind numbingly stupid in my life.

 

Then like london buses coming along , the Lib Dems release their manifesto …. or as Tim Fallon \ Farron   has decided to call it  the cisifesto.

Thanks Pat . If I ever see your cat it’s being donated to the violin bow makers

Ordered a  nice shirt the other week . All the way from my favourite ( read cheap) tailor in Thailand.  Nice fit ,  lilac  , white  french cuffs and  tab penny round collar. None of your burtons rubbish for me.   Delivered for £8  by DHL  complete with tracking number  to check its   carbon footprint  on a jumbo jet  to heathrow or GB LALA  as DHL  call it . So i put the tracking  number in the website  to see that Sam ,  (hes my tailor I know it’s going to fit… (c) I dury)  had  made the shirt and sent it via DHL   on the 21st . It was in singapore  on the 22nd  no doubt being copied and  doubled in size for the fake jacomo market. .   On the 24th it was  ” in transit”  to  heathrow  or GB LALA  as DHL  Accurately describe it , where it is to be  carried by  royal mail.  Or as they  again  accurately  stated  …WARNING  ONCE IN THE UK  YOUR PACKAGE WILL BE   CARRIED BY ROYAL MAIL. WE CANNOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT’S LOSS.  I’m  guessing they have previous.  Maybe I should have ordered it at Christmas  and let the  wolf cubs have a crack at it.  Anyway . From the 24th  my 60th birthday, thanks for asking. Yes we had a nice weekend in Stoke ta.  But I’m progressing like the old twat in front of me in B and Q today.  Bloody  nearly dead wednesday. Sine the 24th its been languishing in La La land   waiting for postman bleedin Pat to get off his lazy arse and fetch it to  the utopia that is Holton le clay.  Twinned with sarge les le mans… to celebrate article 50 day, I may  change the sign to Holton the clay   twinned with  leight on  bu zaard.

According to the  incredible Oracle that is the DHL  tracking site  my  shirt is still In lalaland.   So i nipped out just for half an hour . I   crawled through the garden like Prince Edward   in marines training.  Made a break for the car  under cover of the  school bus taking the infants swimming in the tide at cleethorpes  and   shot off for b and  q … The Mrs wants decking in the garden…… one day I will and bury her under the patio 😙.

So it turns out  Pat has got his little red van  from Heathrow to Grimsby  in  12 seconds   who knew post vans would be the  last supersonic collaboration  between France and Britain.   His BAC-Aerospatiale Combi van   cheekily hidden behind  next door but ones  ( on the left)  fiat  bravo .

I was back in under an hour  after leaving all the shit I’d  put in a trolley behind the old bastard   at the express checkout trying to pay for a  minky ironing board   with  scottish fivers  muttering into the card reader . Its fookin legal tender ya bazza  @#$¥!!!

So I drove  home opened the door and found the  dreaded red card.

 

” sorry you were out when we tried to deliver your parcel….. you know I was you   twunt  you watched me go.   A scan through the boxes  looking for a lifesaving  we left it  with a neighbour /  in your bin/  with a passing  gypsy* delete as required.  But no …. The  dreaded . It is now at your local sorting office 7 miles away,  past 12 post offices . Pick it up at your convenience  leaving 24 hours   from the time   on this card .  Between  10 and 1015  Monday to Wednesday.

Just checked the  tracking number again.. still in fookin la la land.  That s a fact!

BASTARDS!!!!!!!!

a host of golden daffodils

So some kids have been  arrested  for “stealing” daffodils  from  the side of the road. Is it really a crime?  All they were doing were  picking  a few stems  for their mum on mothers day , whats up with that.  Christ my dear departed brother in law took his mum a bunch of flowers every week . Till he forgot to take the  RIP card out of a bunch on his way home through the cemetery.
I saw a lorry driver in a layby on the A16 on saturday , stripping the bleeding verge clean of the  little yellow  sods.  He was even  wrapping them in bunches . obviously has six mums and twelve nannas .
Of course its thieving , the council paid for the bulbs and a council worker  to put them  there with my council tax….. ang on a cotton pickin? the  fookin tax  breakdown where my council tax is spent , makes no mention of  sodding  flowers on the side of the  A16.  Its  basically  the sheriff of  Lincolnshire  Vs Robin Hood . Council robbed me,  little girl robbed the rich council and gave em to her  poor Nanna.
Ok so if every body did it there would be no  daffodils on the side of the road and Tesco would be  reporting  lower profits*,  from not selling  millions of them,  at highly inflated  prices  and then half price yesterday and still making a fookin killing….. But there wont be any there  next week anyway , when  they’ve  all died off to make room for nettles.
Maybe hanging every tenth schoolgirl  will  get the message out there.

(* Tesco will just make up their profit reports anyway)

Just nipping out to dig some Burdock roots  up for me homebrewed Hooch back soon.