That bastion of liberalism , New Zealand has just announced that anyone under the age of 14 will never be legally allowed to buy tobacco products, eventually leading to a smoke free nation. I actually thought this a good idea 40 years when i first stopped smoking, Mrs B was pregnant and they hit a quid a packet and like any good ex smoker, I thought if I’ve got to stop , everyone should. but having thought it through, which the wide mouthed frog obviously hasnt, its probably the stupidest idea she could ever have thought up. I know shes completely eradicated covid 6 times now but this ones come from Lala land.
its going to lead to a situation in 2051 whereby the newsagent is going to say, ” get out of here you cheeky young scamp, I cant sell you fags youre only 43 years old, Imagine what your mum would say…..obviously thats a Kiwi newsagent with his 1950s morality. Mr Gibson on lord street corner would sell a five year old one number 10 and a match for tuppence. I found at 11 years old I could buy 5 park drive (tipped i wasnt hard core) and 5 matches for five and a half new pence which was exactly the return fare to school and back on the number 7 . It was as if Baby Jesus had given me permission to smoke as long as I took exercise.
Any way back to 2051 and that cheeky chappie will wait on the corner for a 44 year old to ask , can you buy me 20 woodbines and a few matches mister. I imagine him at work and his boss wondering why he has 6 fountain pens in his shirt pocket and no hint of leaked quink….. “its cos theres a coffin nail in each one sir!!!” , You think office sneaks are bad now . just wait.
But worse than that is the fact that prohibition never works . imagine the kiwi Al Capone .. hard I know, but play along with me , Alphonse Caponicawakabiwakawi , I told you it was hard, hiring thugs with machine guns in didgeridoo cases (yes I know they’re aussie but what do Kiwis play?) rolling fake Wills Whiffs on the thigh of a maori virgin. Enticing innocent 40 year olds into speakeasys with the haunting sounds of air on a G string. Leading to Eliot Ness , he probably still exists in Wellington and is considered the height of sortorial elegance, with his smart gabardine mac and fedora, chasing him round the lord of the rings set at speeds up to 36 MPH . smashing up cigarette plants disguised as jack daniels distilleries.
We also have to think of the health risks of counterfeit tobacco . it could give you cancer or worse. I would only smoke the ones which might damage your unborn foetus……. i cant be doing with foetuses being born and squelching round my carpets anyway.
Is that what you want Jacinda? well is it? cos thats what’ll appen.
I remember when I was skint , trying to smoke a tea bag in a pipe or drying those stringy bits off bananas on the radiator to roll into a joint for a quick hit of pottassium , If i was still desperate in 2051 in Auckland , Id be tempted to wrap my laughing tackle round a car exhaust……. oh FFS , shes thought of that , bloody Teslas.